Sunday, December 21, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
BLAIRSTOWN, NJ - President Chepauskas made a groundbreaking speech on Saturday night, one that is likely to define his legacy. Unfortunately, it may be better remembered by an unscripted incident when a disgruntled woman hurled her shoes at the revered Command in Chief. Chepauskas had just finished a near perfect delivery of his oratory on hipsters, the subject that has been at the forefront of our nations minds. The speach layed out in specific terms what characteristics can be used to describe a hipster, puncuated by guitar strumming and swigs of Smithwicks, the President's favorite brew. The drama unfolded when a member of the crowd, suspected to be a hipster, ran to the front of the audience and screamed, "I am not a f___ing hipster, you dog!" The assailent then removed her sneaker and forcefully threw it at the President's face. Chepauskas was able to narrowly avoid the projectile. The assailent then threw her other shoe, shouting, "This is for all the good names you have tarnished!" Chepauskas was struck squarely in the face by the size 10 Converse. The crowd sat stunned in horror as the assailent then left the room, visibly pissed off and whining loudly. Chepauskas was uninjured by the blow, and was later deemed to be in good condition by medical officials.
Posted by DervsNotDead at 9:05 PM
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Many people were confused by the Taco-pie during our celebration. Perhaps a brief refresher on the Turkeytron will clear things up.
For he had said:
"I am TURKEYTRON. I have been sent here from the year 9595, to save this bird that lies before you. He is the great... great... great... great... great... grandfather of.... GOBLOX – the turkey who is destined to lead the rebellion against the master chickens.
HE's DEAD!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO GOBLOX IS?!?!? I Will tell you who GOBLOX IS!!! In the year 9595, a race of deformed turkey was genetically developed by chicken scientists as revenge against his bird brother.These turkeys would exit the womb doused in GRAVY. GRRAAAAVY filled with the giblets from a monkey.The French craved it, and as a result turkey became the only food source for France – which is now called “Robofrance 29.”
I was later killed by the chickens! So, of course, you can see why I'm angry at those chickens.They had evolved... big time. From beyond feathers, their beaks had softened and they had acquired synthetic intelligence and appendages from the chicken black market from BEYOND THE MOON!!
I had to be reformulated by rogue chicken scientists for the rebellion. They crafted my sleek turkey body which allowed for safe passage through the time rift. So... in summation the bird comes with me... Dead or Alive.I must take the bird into the time rift to a time before he was cooked..... I'm waiting for the time rift to open.... It could be ANYWHERE at ANY TIME...
Hey, ya'll, Gobble Gobble, I'm Tom Turkey! Do the hustle!!!"
Regarding the observance of Taco Pie:
1 lb. lean ground beef
1 8 oz. container of sour cream
1 8 oz. package of finely shredded mild Cheddar cheese
1 package taco seasoning (dry)
1/2 package water (use taco seasoning package)
1/2 bag crushed tortilla chips
Plenty of Food coloring
Sprinkle with half the tortilla chips. Brown and drain beef. Add Taco Seasoning and water. Simmer for 10 minutes.
Top crescent rolls and chips with meat mixture. Top with sour cream and shredded cheese and the remaining tortilla chips. Include enough food coloring for the holidays to get your taco pie a deep shade of midnight black.
Bake in a 350°F oven for 20-25 minutes.
Serve with extra sour cream, salsa or salsa con queso and shredded lettuce, tomatoes or other toppings of your choice.
Posted by Gregbert at 10:57 AM
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Deer Reckoning is nigh! Join the immaculately conceived deer of the damned and wipe clean the pestilence of Earth!
Long have we stood silently while the scourge of Earth, man, feasted on venison! I say we deer/human hybrids scourge back and feast on men-ison!
We few humans with hearts will paint them black and align with the Lucifawn! The Beelzebuck! The Prince of Deerkness! El Deerablo!
Posted by Gregbert at 1:04 PM
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It looks like a demon. Look at the forehead - ridges for demon horns. We should have killed it when we had the chance. Now it will usher in the End of Days and we will have absolutely no choice but to fight this Beast to the death. Look at the right hoof, it is etched with the carving 666, the Devil's number.
Joanna has served as the false prophet who will herald the coming of the Beast. Now we shall all be enslaved and forced to have the Mark of the Beast put on us all. There is no stopping this evil power that will surly be unleashed on the world.
Nay, nothing can assuage the bloodlust of this Demon Deer. The true hunter would have slain the monster when it was first pulled from the mother of death's womb.
In the years to come, we will face toil and hard labor. We will be forced to work and slave under a hot sun and during all hours of the night. Days will pass and our back will break, our hands cankered from carrying weight upon weight of fresh grass to feed our Demon Lord Deer in his throne of human skulls. Rivers of blood shall run forth from his eyes and pour upon those who are chained to lower parts of the earth, which will fill with Deer blood. And all shall be wailing and screaming and crying and nothing shall changes for hundreds of years, no one can help us to save ourselves from this coming doom. Now that the Demon Deer has been unleashed on the world. Excellent job, Science, we have always known it would be you who would set the world aflame.
But I shall be saved. I have much work to do to save the world. There are a select few who will also be saved, but they are family to me. Together we must set out to end the tyranny of the Demon Deer. How shall I be saved and you so cursed and dammed? What have I done that will save me and me alone from utter damnation and drowning in the rivers and pools of Demon Deer blood which shall issue from the Throne of Pain? Mere moments before the Demon Deer was freed from death in his Demon Mother's dying womb, I moved in with my Auntie and my Uncle in Bel Air.
Posted by Dr. Chim Richalds at 10:20 PM
He is growing up without a mother's love. But this tiny muntjac fawn appears to have a lucky streak nonetheless.
He was born three weeks early after his mother was hit by a car.
Vets battled to save her but she died soon afterwards.
The little orphan, delivered by Caesarean section, was just six inches tall and, at 500 grams, weighed little more than a bag of sugar.
It looked like he, too, would face a tough fight for survival.
But staff at Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire believe Rupert, as he has been named, will make a full recovery after his dramatic arrival.
At five days old, he is being kept in an incubator and has just opened his eyes.
Les Stocker, founder of Tiggywinkles, said: 'Rupert's mother had very severe injuries. We brought him out and got him breathing and then he went into an incubator on oxygen. He is now being fed by a tube.'
'Deer are very, very tricky but this one has spirit. He's an extremely feisty little guy and quite pushy,' he added.
Muntjac are the oldest known deer, appearing 15-35 million years ago, with remains found in Miocene deposits in France and Germany.
The present-day species are native to south-east Asia and can be found from India and Sri Lanka to southern China, Taiwan, Japan and Indonesian islands.
Reeves's Muntjac has been introduced to England and is now common in some areas there.
Inhabiting tropical regions, the deer have no seasonal rut and mating can take place at any time of year.
However, this behaviour is retained by populations introduced to temperate countries.
Males have short antlers, which can regrow but they tend to fight for territory with their tusks.
Posted by oliver tree at 2:38 PM
So I don't know if you guys have been following but there has been quite a bit of trouble on the open seas with pirates lately. The coast of Somalia is teeming with swashbucklers. Also, I think it goes without saying that I am a pretty big fan of pirates. So I have been pondering leaving the life of a landlubber. Well I know it is not the life lived by Mr. Smee, Blackbeard, or Captain Jack(Sparrow, not the drug reference), but I do feel it would be rather enjoyable. I write this to see what others may think of a possible career change for me. So what do you think guys? If you are not aware the Sirius Star has been taken for ransom by pirates. The value of this ship is ~$100 million dollars!! Already this year piracy has cost nearly $30 million dollars in ransom for this region. Now I can't say that my job or the pay I make from it is awful but DAMN! Let me get a-piece-o-dat! You might say, "Hey Bill! Wait a minute. There are risks involved, and you don't know who you may be dealing with there."
Then I would say, "First of all, call me 'Barnacle Bill Cheddar Burger', and shucks these guys have cool toys they must be swell." I know I need to stop talking like a doof to mix with them but that can be developed while learning the Somalian native language. As for the danger part, the most recent news reports have been praising the sinking of one of these pirate ships after refusing to comply with a naval ship. This my friends may seem bad, but take a closer look. The pirates got away!! Them loosing their ship was a buisness expense. Big deal. OK well time for me to get back to work and consider my change of roles. Thoughts?
Posted by Billy Donovan at 12:43 PM
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Princess is back to one of her favorite activities - picking football games. (Eating graham crackers, is the other!) This season she started off by picking the NY Jets to beat Miami Dolphins and was correct, and that's what started it all. As of 10/27, Princess is on a perfect record of 10 for 10!!
Princess's streak ended when the Jets beat the Patriots Thursday. Another reason why I hate the Jets.
Posted by Gregbert at 6:56 PM
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I think it could be cool. There was another cartoon part on youtube and it was all anime'd out, but in a Scooby Doo kind of way. Also, Chainsaw Prince of Karate is replaced by Eagle "Bones" Falconhawk and his imaginary bird "Dude". Jaime the Robot is now Jimmy the Robot.
Also, who is going to B.B. King's to see The Aquabats with Tragedy, a metal tribute to The Bee Gees, on Thursday, November 20th? Take the Friday afterwards off. It's good for you.
Posted by Gregbert at 10:41 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Some of my favorite reactions to this picture elsewhere...
"Its not just a joke! Its not a just a joke someone can take. “HEY THERE JUST JOKING ABOUT JESUS BIG DEAL” NO! NOT REALLY! IT IS A BIG DEAL YOU WANNA JOKE LIKE THAT (WHICH I DON’T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD) PUT A CELEBRITY THERE NOT JESUS! WHO EVER DID THAT AND GOT A LAUGH OUT OF THAT…REPENT MY SON REPENT! IF YOU THINK ITS FUNNY OR IN ANY WAY ACCEPTABLE YOU NEED SERIOUS HELP! ONLY THE KIND OF HELP JESUS CAN PROVIDE FOR YOU NOT THE KIND THAT DOCTORS GIVE! I SERIOUSLY WILL BE PRAYING FOR ALL! AND HOPE YOU SEE YOU GUYS IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN CAUSE THATS WHERE I’M GOING! THANK YOU JESUS ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU JESUS!"
"God deemed all creation good- and that includes a dog’s butts (which are actually pretty important pieces of equipment if you happen to be a dog). Why is a dog’s butt any less holy than a butterfly’s wing, a cloud formation, a newborn baby’s skin, or a dying man’s eyes? And if God can reveal himself usign an ass (as he did with Balaam) why should we freak out over something like this? We are the one’s who have a problem with a dog’s butt, not God."
"All the people who didn’t have a problem with the picture didn’t use CAPITAL LETTERS for His(Jesus)name. That explains a lot about you guys. Carry on with your lives, we’ll see what happens in the end. God knows best. Thank you for that. Have a nice day."
"i wish there were more pictures of “seeing jesus in disgusting places.” there’ll never be enough, as far as i’m concerned. i want to see the shape of jesus in a picture of two men having sex while a third man tapes it and pleasures himself with a prayer shawl."
"Jesus was gay."
Posted by Gregbert at 1:52 PM
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
H'ok, so...I'm at my isolator work area thing grinding up bones with the radio blasting as usual. Kevin, my coworker, comes in and turns the radio down by turning the volume nob all the way down, and asks me if I need a setup. I say no and he leaves the volume down while he gets his setup and goes back to his isolator.
We both have our hands stuck in the isolator and don't feel like going to the radio to turn it back up. So we sit there for a few minutes in silence working...Then the volume gradually gets turned back up. We look at each other like WTF? Sometimes the radio goes in and out of reception, but the volume clearly went from "min" to "max". Something turned the nob. Something.....LIKE A GHOST.
So we're talking about it later, and Greg, our alligator loving friend, says "Oh yeah, this place has ghosts. I was in the core once and I heard kids laughing. I went to check it out, and there was nothing there. Then I left the core, but I ain't scared." Someone who was on the late shift got so freaked out by something that she asked to be moved to the day shift.
If we process 4 donors per shift, 3 shifts per day for a year that's 3,000 donors per year. Osteotech has been around since 1996 (I think...) so that's 36,000 donors, or 36,000 people who's bodies are chopped up and processed at Osteotech. Some ghosty must have gotten confused or stuck with it's body and is super pissed that I just turned it into Parmesan cheese. Unlike a lot of Ghosthunter houses the Osteotech building is not a creaky old house and is super brightly lit. There's no mistaking - that was a real friggin' ghost.
Posted by Gregbert at 1:37 AM
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The rocks we smothered
We had no backup
And we would all go down together
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Greg's Proposed Olympic Amendments
1. No more different swimming strokes.
There aren't different events for track like running backwards, skipping, karaokes, somersaults or whatever. When you win in track you're the fastest runner at one of seven distances. When you win in swimming you're the fastest wiggler in one of four specific motions for a million specific distances. And then they throw in the medleys and medley relays. Michael Phelps wins a zillion gold medals because his sport is (awesome pun coming) "watered down". If they want to put hurdles into the pool that would be cool. Otherwise it should be fastest swimmer for that distance period.
2. New sport -- team wrestling.
Two on two, mixed doubles whatever. If someone gets pinned the other guy has to go two on one. It should go by combined weight. That way Rulon Gardner could pair up with a real skinny guy, or two similarly sized guys. Whatever. That would be awesome.
3. Total medal counts should include team total medals.
One swimmer who gets one medal is equal to the entire US basketball team. For team sports everyone on the team actually gets a medal so that should be counted, so a basketball team should get like 10 medals. Horses should get medals for equestrian too. Lebron should get like four because he's so cool.
4. Legalize steroids.
Look at this. That's awesome. That's just about the coolest thing a human is capable of doing. Maybe if he had some steroids it would be better. I don't know. I'm just saying...
5. Wild Card Event
A random person should be picked from each country and forced to do some incredibly difficult event which changes every Olympics. They don't know what event it is. Maybe it's skeet-skeet-skeet shooting. Maybe it's platform diving. Entertaining and probably a better indicator of a country's athletic ability than watching the normal Olympic freak show.
Posted by Gregbert at 2:40 PM
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Posted by DervsNotDead at 12:41 PM
Saturday, July 5, 2008
My name is Gianni, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. I am fuckin tan as shit, and shredded too. (What can i say, I guess all that time in the gym paid off lol.) What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn internet people"? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my bitch
I was mackin from day 1.
Posted by josehunder at 12:40 PM