Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patrick's Day SAT question

St. Patrick is to breweries


A. St. Valentine is to Card Companies.
B. St. Agnes is to softball.
C. St. George is to dragons.
D. Bl. Alexander Bryant is to English torture.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Snoop Stewart / Martha Dogg



Top Ten Favorite Blind People

Unlike deaf people, blind people can use telephones. They can also play musical instruments, and write books and be governor of New York/The Cherokee Nation. Here are some of my more favorite blind people.

1. Stevie Wonder
I submit that if he had the gift of sight, or the gift of dance moves beyond an awkward wiggle, or at least the ability to know how bad his goatee looks he would've become the king of pop.

2. Babe Ruth
My Biology teacher freshmen year of high school insisted that Babe Ruth was legally blind in his left eye. That was why he struck out so much. Strike out or hit a dinger. Turns out he had pain in his left eye right before he died. Close enough for me! Dude liked hot dogs... Moral of this story: Eat hot dogs, don't listen to teachers.

3. Homer
Blind? Yes!
Beard? Yes!
If Homer was blind how did he write down all his stories... Do blind people write in braille? Or do they just read in braille. I wonder if all blind people have bad handwriting. If you ever want to piss off a blind person, pass them a note.

4. Ray Charles
Without Ray Charles it is inconceivable that "Gold Digger" could ever have been created. I have a private theory that he talked so strangely and wiggled around so much because of huuuuge amounts of cocaine. Not "blindness" or "soulfulness". BTW he died.

5. Odin, Kirk Douglas (Tie)
You ever see that movie "The Vikings" with a young Kirk Douglas? Well it's awesome. Kirk Douglas beats up English guys and gets his eye messed up. At one point Kirk Douglas' dad is standing up before a feast like he's going to propose a toast, but then he just yells "ODINNNNNNN!!!!", and then everyone hammers a horn full of meade. Odin - also blind.

6. David Paterson
He looks like if Will Ferrell were impersonating David Alan Grier. Being cross eyed makes you think he's concentrating really hard all the time. Not you being cross eyed. Him being cross eyed.

7. Doc Watson
That's a mighty fine a pickin' and a singin'! Blinded as a one year old. They say blind people only dream in images if they were blinded after the age of five. They meaning them.

8. Horatio Nelson
He was only blind in one eye, but when the signal for retreat was given by people waving flags he would hold his telescope to his blind eye and claim not to see them. This guy was also the inspiration for my boy, Horatio Hornblower - the gayest name in maritime fiction.

9. Samson
There's a lot of cool blind people from antiquity you could throw up here too... Cupid, Oedipus, St. Paul, Tiresias, a cyclops... Hey, If I had all of antiquity to stockpile blind people I could do it too.

10.Wilma Mankiller
First Woman chief of the Cherokees. Ironically the first woman on this list. Ironically, her last name pronounced in Cherokee is "Outtasight". She hates whitey. So do I.

James Joyce - Blind intermittently throughout his life. Probably faking it.
Ella Fitzgerald - Diabetes. Doesn't count.
Monet, Degas - Blind but still painted masterpieces. Yeah right.