Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I'll scream for ice cream any day!

It’s summer, and ice cream is in season. Yay!

However, beware: Some jerks will try to ruin your summer with bad ice cream. Like my friend Patty, an amateur chef who makes homemade ice cream. One day, I invited myself over to have some. So here I am, sitting in her kitchen, expecting to pig out on something extraordinary…

Corn ice cream. No lie.

Turns out, Patty gets bored of the tried-and-true chocolates and vanillas and the rest. Which led to me ask Patty why she hated me. She denied it. She’s a liar. But she did admit that there are bad ice creams in the world, stuff even Patty wouldn’t make. And we discussed said flavors. And, well... we hit the Internets and identified the top 10 grossest ice cream flavors in the world.

Yes, the following is by no means a complete catalog. Consider the following list -- which is arranged from least terrible to most insane -- to be a quick outline toward saving your own sanity and sense of taste, providing you with a fighting chance when confronted with something cold and creamy and alien and disgusting.

(And yes, I did try the corn ice cream. It was... interesting. Not my favorite. But compared to what follows, it’s the tastiest treat ever devised!)

10. Parmesan Ice Cream

Are you tired of the same old cheese course to round out your fancy dinner parties? Serve up this salty cheese ice cream and watch your friends never come back to your place to bum a meal. Still, cheese is dairy, unlike the rest of the contenders in this list – therefore, parmesan ice cream, as disturbing as it sounds, bottoms out this list.

9. Salad Ice Cream

Ah yeah! Ice cream with, let’s see… red pepper, orange pepper, cucumber (or is that zucchini?) and cherry tomato! Wonder what the flavor of the ice cream itself is. Actually, no, I really don’t.

8. Chicken-Fried Steak Ice Cream

First clue that this stuff belongs on the top 10 list of grossest ice creams: You make it from the greasy scuzz left behind when you cook up a chicken-fried steak. Never mind that chicken-fried steak itself is pretty gross – now you can have it for dessert! For those of you who enjoy such fare, however, you’re supposed to A) use this ice cream instead of gravy, and then B) gag.

7. Ox Tongue Ice Cream

Yeah, I’m not finding any real information about this one, and had I found a real pic of the actual ice cream, ox tongue may have ranked in the top five. But the concept alone deserves inclusion, as does that cute ox on the packaging. Look at it sticking out its tongue! So cute! So gross!

6. Oyster Ice Cream

Most people blame the Japanese for this one, but apparently the upper classes of colonial America enjoyed it. Think frozen oyster stew. Ew.

5. Fish Ice Cream

We couldn’t find an awesome pic of this ice cream, so here’s the packaging. Apparently it’s a mix of brandy and saury, a salt water fish that’s popular in Japan. “Not Japan!” you exclaim. Yes, it is Japanese. Yes, it sounds not super.

4. Pit Viper Ice Cream

We have no words, except for this: Japanese.

3. Astronaut Ice Cream

Developed for astronauts because NASA hates astronauts, freeze-dried ice cream is solely responsible for every failed space mission ever. It’s a top seller at “science museums.” Science museums. As if those exist. Ha!

Still, as disgusting as Astronaut ice cream is -- and it is extremely disgusting -- two other flavors beat it in the gross-out game through sheer force of will…

2. "Cold Sweat" Ice Cream

AKA, “The Ice Cream From Hell.” Created by some dude in North Carolina who despises you, this stuff is made with three kinds of hot peppers and two kinds of hot sauce, and apparently will burn not just your mouth, but your fingers as well. How bad is it? The creator requires the fools who try it to be legal adults and to sign a waiver. I hate him!

But, for all this foulness, there’s yet one other flavor of ice cream that dominates this list, and it is…

1. Raw Horseflesh Ice Cream

Yep, you read that right. "Basashi” means “raw horse meat.” This noxious concoction is based on a regional Japanese specialty: Raw horse sushi.

Sunday, July 5, 2009